The Art of The Scars

Well - haven't had much to say in the past month or so - clearly.

Except that I've had far too much to say and no desire to articulate it in any way.  These have been darks times in my life, my friends.  Dark times indeed.  The very darkest to date.

Yet, now there is light. With constant prayer, being ever vigilant over my thoughts, my words, my every physical movement...

...I have finally reconnected with the joys in my life.

Wandering thru a dark woodland you are scared by every movement, every sound.  The very shadows hold portents of negativity and fear.  Each action you take is measured against the risk of a simple footstep.

It's exhausting. It wears you out like nothing else; your very breath becomes something to be welcomed and avoided in equal measure.

Frankly, my friends, I've been thru just one too many of these "dark times" in the past decade or so. I am so - over - these feelings.  I just want to - be me.

To even find out what that means...a new journey at an age and time in life when most people have already answered that question - who they are.

Since I have spent the better part of 10 years fighting off darkness, demons and the expectations of others...I am delayed in finding out what I expect of myself.

No more delays will be allowed. This ship is sailing and nothing is going to make me turn back now.  With God's grace, I found my joy again.

I found that part of me that can sing with abandon - on the inside.  A major stress point in my life the past few months has finally resolved itself; and in so-doing as revealed a clarity and truth that I didn't expect.

You see, dearest ones, my marriage fell apart this past summer.  For reasons far too complicated and personal to ever recount in any space of any kind - my 32 year marriage formed cracks that quickly turned into canyons. Divides so wide that The Oracle and I soon lost sight of each other.

If I'm to be truthful - these divides began about 6 years ago from forces outside of our relationship.  We never noticed those cracks; they were small, subtle.  Fissures deep in our souls that finally grew to a size that we had to notice, but choose to ignore.

Finally, the great canyons between us opened up and it seemed, for a long while, that we'd never find ourselves - or each other - again.

We fought - hard.  Like warriors in trenches, we were bombarded by our own inadequacies, our own faults, our own pains flung like grenades at each other.  And in between, long silences of such incredible anguish.

Darkness.  Devoid of light from any source.

But fight we did - in it to win it as the saying goes today.

With God as our commander and ceaseless prayer the only rules of engagement we had, we retreated in a haze to find strength to get back in the trenches.  Day after day, struggle after struggle, battle after battle.  We persevered with God's enormous grace we remained committed to this relationship begun when we were just children really...making grown up decisions that would reverberate through our lives for 30+ years.

And in a moment of such exquisite harmony and gentleness, joy finally broke thru the smoke of a marriage broken in two.  It's impossible to find any other source but God himself; speaking thru the all consuming darkness to tell me - Kris, be calm my child.  Words spoken to me in stillness many weeks ago, their impact finally felt in the past few days.

This marriage - that has defined my life for so long now - has been brought to beyond the breaking point.  And with God's love and strength to guide us, we have put those broken pieces back together.  The whole of the thing looks - different now.

Like the Japanese art of Kintsugi - the practice of mending broken things with gold. The philosophy that the breakage and repair is part of the history of the thing, not something to be hidden but something to be embraced.

Like this bowl, we will never be the same whole that we once were.  The canyons that we have repaired will always retain part of their own shape. The landscape of our marriage, indeed of who we are...those scars show a battle hard-fought and hard-won.

A battle born of true love, a fight waged to keep the total darkness at bay.

I am no fool; I know there will still be dark times ahead as we navigate this new way of being - getting used to the scars. 

Yet joy - has been rediscovered.  And it has changed, like the cracks in the tea bowl above.  My joy is different - and in many ways it is far more beautiful now than it ever was.

The battles have made it beautiful.  The battles have made me - beautiful.