The Weekly Muse

The muse is quiet today.  It was a bruising week and I'm in need of some peace and rest.

I shall get both in abundance - at least for today.  The Oracle is off to his weekend shooting league - tactical, self-defense shooting.  He hasn't been in so long that mice had taken up residence in his gear bag! Poor man...he was out of the house by 8:00am with a spring in his step I haven't seen in awhile.

It's always a good day to go shooting...

For me it's about household chores.  I know, you'd think that with the need for peace and rest that would be the last thing I would need or want to do. Except that on quiet Saturdays when The Oracle is off doing something that he truly loves - I enjoy picking up, puttering around and getting caught up on things.  The birds sing outside my windows, the fountain in our outdoor living room burbles its way into the house.  And there is, of course, a soundtrack to my day.

The great Sara Bareilles. She gets heavy play from me...her lyrics, her voice, her style - when it all comes together in one person it's simply sublime.

Music is the blood that pumps thru my veins. Whether I listen to someone else or play someone's creations on my piano or sing to the Lord at church...music fills my soul with renewal, letting me know that all things are possible.  I can find healing in lyrics such as the song above, I can find solace in the strains of a perfect Mozart confection and I can release some pent-up aggression with the likes of Billy Joel.

And so it has, as I said, been a very difficult week. Chiefly because I've been dealing with a health issue that looms large and threatening.

I am losing the hearing in my left ear.  In 10 months I've gone from nearly perfect hearing in that ear to a significant diminishment of the upper pitches of sound.  It's noticeable enough that my regular Ear, Nose and Throat doctor has referred me to a hearing specialist in his practice.

I had that appointment this past week.  The doctor - ridiculously well-educated with both an M.D. and a Ph.D. - achieved at the same time.  Well-published he's done some pioneering surgeries and treatment for ear disorders.

He's also a total asshole.  I mean a serious dick.  Assumes he knows what you are going to say and interrupts you.  Took me 10 minutes to get out my story.  Diminished hearing, everything sounding muffled on the left, physical pain with certain sound and sound sensitivity.

Once I got that out...he began to listen more closely to me.  In the end, I believe he understands that a 52 year old person with demonstrable hearing loss isn't hysterical or looking for a quick fix.

The fact is - the hearing loss I have now is permanent and unexplained. I had an MRI to rule out the only thing that could be a problem - an auditory nerve tumor.

Thanks be to God.

Which still leaves us with the unknown reason for this loss.  So it's on to hearing tests every 3 months with consults at the same time.  Until the doctor gets enough data to tell him more about what's going on.  There aren't many options because no matter what the underlying cause, I'm losing my hearing on the left.

Hearing aids will definitely be in my future.  The doctor did say that's about the 3rd or 4th option and I'm hoping it's far in the future.

To say I'm scared - is an understatement.  I'm trying to hold it together and not think too far ahead of the next hearing test.  And yet...

...the things that truly feed my soul are aural.  Music in all it's already-mentioned forms.  My beloved birds.  My Mozart.  

My music.

To lose even a part of that........................................

My mind can't go there.

And so I push on, dealing with the sound sensitivity in any way I can (which usually means blocking my left ear with my index finger).  The doctor says this part of the situation is happening, oddly, because of the loss of the high pitches.  Not hearing them actually makes me more sensitive to them...and trust me, at times the pain is physical, like tiny knives stabbing my inner ear.

At the end of the appointment the doctor was still an asshole but a knowledgeable one who is taking an aggressive yet conservative approach.  I do appreciate his candor; I don't like his impatience and brusque manner.  I'll give him one year...if I can get used to his style and if he can help me even a little, I'll stay with him.  Otherwise it will be on to the next specialist.

In the meantime, we search for relaxation thru music and the beauty of this time of year in New England.

I'll be spending time in that space today.  Finally finished the deck restoration (as you can see, it's a 2-level monster!).  And the deck furniture in the foreground was delivered a mere 45 minutes ago.  The aforementioned fountain still burbles right outside those sliding glass doors.  It beckons me to take my delicious second cup of coffee and go outside.

I plan to heed the fountain.