Since my last post is a month ago - I'm counting that as a not great effort.
At. All.
Life - has spent quite a bit of that time kicking me around. Hard. The past few weeks I've been barely functional - dragging my sorry self around mostly going thru the motions until I can collapse in bed.
It's been a dreamless sleep for these past weeks; for which I am truly grateful. Any dreams my sub-conscious might conjure up would most surely be nightmares.
Times like these give a person - pause. Reflecting on decisions made that are long-past correction; coming to terms with difficulties that you never thought you'd experience.
Realizing that perhaps, just this once, God has over-estimated your strength and indeed given you a far greater burden than you can possibly bear. In fact, wondering what exactly the Heavenly Father thinks of you since he seems to truly believe that you are capable of more emotional endurance than YOU believe one person should have to experience in multiple lifetimes.
It comes at you from all sides - no angle of life-impact is left out of the mix. And it attacks your Faith - the Faith that saved your life once upon a time, the Faith that nourishes you daily with its rare and unparalleled beauty. That one area of life that provides a calm moment in what has become, at best, a sea of irrationality.
When you realize that even that calm moment is harder to pursue and achieve - you have to stop the clocks, clear the social calendar and "go to ground" - something you thought you were done with having to do.
And so - you go to ground, you retreat within yourself and try to reconnect to that voice, that voice that spoke to you when it saved your life; that voice that guided you through what you thought would be the worst experience of your existence.
In search of that voice that you hope will get you through the current experience - which makes the "other" worst experience...pale to nothing at all.
That voice - God's voice - speaks inside my head. He says to me, over and over again - "Kris, be calm my child." He implies that the burden I carry is a shared one, that he is ever-present, by my side.
I try to be calm and to feel that presence. My success rate right now is about 50%. Which is a vast improvement over 2 weeks ago.
You keep telling yourself that "this too shall pass"; your inner-circle of amazing friends assures you that it will pass. You trust them - not because they have equal or greater experience with this burden but because they love you and you love them. You trust them - because you know that if it all falls apart, if it doesn't "pass", they will be there to help you pick up and move forward. You trust them - because they never lie to you and they only want the best for you.
God - is my innermost circle. And he told me to "Be Calm" - and while my heart races and thumps like a freight train inside my body...I just keep repeating the words.
Be Calm. Be Calm. Be Calm.
