In The Silence

Crisp.  Chilly.  Breezy.

Beautiful.

That is the order of our day today.  A quiet morning - indulged in a lovely, decadent second cup of coffee.

And now - fresh bread is baking, laundry is whirring and soft, gentle music pours forth from the Bose docking station.

This soundtrack music is - well, it's just...hmmm..........

I really have no words.  I have - feelings. Oh, so many of those. This music stirs my very soul, the essence of my being.  It is the musical form of my Tao.

The movie - Saving Sarah Cain - is a gem of a little film.  A story of true redemption.  About a person who seemed - unredeemable.  It is a story about acceptance, honor, sacrifice and the kind of true love that goes so deep its roots are not traceable.  It is a film I highly recommend to anyone...no matter where you are in your life, Sarah Cain will remind you of a part of yourself that, perhaps, you have ignored - or worse, forgotten - in the rush and hum of life.

Life - it does intrude, doesn't it.  It steals time so quietly that it's almost too late before you realize it.  You must be vigilant - ever-protective of those quiet moments that can just come upon you.

Moments of such perfect peace that they take your breath away.  Moments that allow the quiet to settle on you like a warm, comfy blanket; cocooning you in peace & serenity.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Seek it, my friends.  Seek out that kind of quiet because if you don't - as The Oracle and I have learned in such dramatic fashion in the past few months - you might lose a piece of yourself and never get it back.

The Oracle and I have been on a self-imposed exile since the last weekend of July.  We cleared our calendars of obligations and commitments so that we could focus on ourselves and each other.  At first we said - let's do this thru the end of August.  Then we said - thru the end of September.

Now...it's thru the end of the year.  We do what we have to and we delicately pick thru what we want to do - and even in that we are judicious about what we say yes to.  We have focused our time, attention and energy on - just the 2 of us.

It's been - rewarding, boring, exhilarating and peaceful.  A time to renew our own Tao both as individuals and as a couple (though I think The Oracle would look at me in that oh-so-tolerant and bemused way at the word "Tao").  A time for deep, personal reflection.  Some days it's a time to talk - so much talk, so much conversation.  Other times, like today - it's quiet.

I sit here - typing away madly.  The Oracle sits across from me - just idly surfing the 'web.  We break our stride every so often to look at each other - maybe ask a question, maybe talk about something we are thinking about.

Sometimes - we just sit quietly and say nothing at all.  Because in that silence, we say so much.  We hear God between us in that silence.  His grace fills us, sustains us, nourishes us.  His love - is our love.

The Art of The Scars

Well - haven't had much to say in the past month or so - clearly.

Except that I've had far too much to say and no desire to articulate it in any way.  These have been darks times in my life, my friends.  Dark times indeed.  The very darkest to date.

Yet, now there is light. With constant prayer, being ever vigilant over my thoughts, my words, my every physical movement...

...I have finally reconnected with the joys in my life.

Wandering thru a dark woodland you are scared by every movement, every sound.  The very shadows hold portents of negativity and fear.  Each action you take is measured against the risk of a simple footstep.

It's exhausting. It wears you out like nothing else; your very breath becomes something to be welcomed and avoided in equal measure.

Frankly, my friends, I've been thru just one too many of these "dark times" in the past decade or so. I am so - over - these feelings.  I just want to - be me.

To even find out what that means...a new journey at an age and time in life when most people have already answered that question - who they are.

Since I have spent the better part of 10 years fighting off darkness, demons and the expectations of others...I am delayed in finding out what I expect of myself.

No more delays will be allowed. This ship is sailing and nothing is going to make me turn back now.  With God's grace, I found my joy again.

I found that part of me that can sing with abandon - on the inside.  A major stress point in my life the past few months has finally resolved itself; and in so-doing as revealed a clarity and truth that I didn't expect.

You see, dearest ones, my marriage fell apart this past summer.  For reasons far too complicated and personal to ever recount in any space of any kind - my 32 year marriage formed cracks that quickly turned into canyons. Divides so wide that The Oracle and I soon lost sight of each other.

If I'm to be truthful - these divides began about 6 years ago from forces outside of our relationship.  We never noticed those cracks; they were small, subtle.  Fissures deep in our souls that finally grew to a size that we had to notice, but choose to ignore.

Finally, the great canyons between us opened up and it seemed, for a long while, that we'd never find ourselves - or each other - again.

We fought - hard.  Like warriors in trenches, we were bombarded by our own inadequacies, our own faults, our own pains flung like grenades at each other.  And in between, long silences of such incredible anguish.

Darkness.  Devoid of light from any source.

But fight we did - in it to win it as the saying goes today.

With God as our commander and ceaseless prayer the only rules of engagement we had, we retreated in a haze to find strength to get back in the trenches.  Day after day, struggle after struggle, battle after battle.  We persevered with God's enormous grace we remained committed to this relationship begun when we were just children really...making grown up decisions that would reverberate through our lives for 30+ years.

And in a moment of such exquisite harmony and gentleness, joy finally broke thru the smoke of a marriage broken in two.  It's impossible to find any other source but God himself; speaking thru the all consuming darkness to tell me - Kris, be calm my child.  Words spoken to me in stillness many weeks ago, their impact finally felt in the past few days.

This marriage - that has defined my life for so long now - has been brought to beyond the breaking point.  And with God's love and strength to guide us, we have put those broken pieces back together.  The whole of the thing looks - different now.

Like the Japanese art of Kintsugi - the practice of mending broken things with gold. The philosophy that the breakage and repair is part of the history of the thing, not something to be hidden but something to be embraced.

Like this bowl, we will never be the same whole that we once were.  The canyons that we have repaired will always retain part of their own shape. The landscape of our marriage, indeed of who we are...those scars show a battle hard-fought and hard-won.

A battle born of true love, a fight waged to keep the total darkness at bay.

I am no fool; I know there will still be dark times ahead as we navigate this new way of being - getting used to the scars. 

Yet joy - has been rediscovered.  And it has changed, like the cracks in the tea bowl above.  My joy is different - and in many ways it is far more beautiful now than it ever was.

The battles have made it beautiful.  The battles have made me - beautiful.