The Weekly Muse

The muse is quiet today.  It was a bruising week and I'm in need of some peace and rest.

I shall get both in abundance - at least for today.  The Oracle is off to his weekend shooting league - tactical, self-defense shooting.  He hasn't been in so long that mice had taken up residence in his gear bag! Poor man...he was out of the house by 8:00am with a spring in his step I haven't seen in awhile.

It's always a good day to go shooting...

For me it's about household chores.  I know, you'd think that with the need for peace and rest that would be the last thing I would need or want to do. Except that on quiet Saturdays when The Oracle is off doing something that he truly loves - I enjoy picking up, puttering around and getting caught up on things.  The birds sing outside my windows, the fountain in our outdoor living room burbles its way into the house.  And there is, of course, a soundtrack to my day.

The great Sara Bareilles. She gets heavy play from me...her lyrics, her voice, her style - when it all comes together in one person it's simply sublime.

Music is the blood that pumps thru my veins. Whether I listen to someone else or play someone's creations on my piano or sing to the Lord at church...music fills my soul with renewal, letting me know that all things are possible.  I can find healing in lyrics such as the song above, I can find solace in the strains of a perfect Mozart confection and I can release some pent-up aggression with the likes of Billy Joel.

And so it has, as I said, been a very difficult week. Chiefly because I've been dealing with a health issue that looms large and threatening.

I am losing the hearing in my left ear.  In 10 months I've gone from nearly perfect hearing in that ear to a significant diminishment of the upper pitches of sound.  It's noticeable enough that my regular Ear, Nose and Throat doctor has referred me to a hearing specialist in his practice.

I had that appointment this past week.  The doctor - ridiculously well-educated with both an M.D. and a Ph.D. - achieved at the same time.  Well-published he's done some pioneering surgeries and treatment for ear disorders.

He's also a total asshole.  I mean a serious dick.  Assumes he knows what you are going to say and interrupts you.  Took me 10 minutes to get out my story.  Diminished hearing, everything sounding muffled on the left, physical pain with certain sound and sound sensitivity.

Once I got that out...he began to listen more closely to me.  In the end, I believe he understands that a 52 year old person with demonstrable hearing loss isn't hysterical or looking for a quick fix.

The fact is - the hearing loss I have now is permanent and unexplained. I had an MRI to rule out the only thing that could be a problem - an auditory nerve tumor.

Thanks be to God.

Which still leaves us with the unknown reason for this loss.  So it's on to hearing tests every 3 months with consults at the same time.  Until the doctor gets enough data to tell him more about what's going on.  There aren't many options because no matter what the underlying cause, I'm losing my hearing on the left.

Hearing aids will definitely be in my future.  The doctor did say that's about the 3rd or 4th option and I'm hoping it's far in the future.

To say I'm scared - is an understatement.  I'm trying to hold it together and not think too far ahead of the next hearing test.  And yet...

...the things that truly feed my soul are aural.  Music in all it's already-mentioned forms.  My beloved birds.  My Mozart.  

My music.

To lose even a part of that........................................

My mind can't go there.

And so I push on, dealing with the sound sensitivity in any way I can (which usually means blocking my left ear with my index finger).  The doctor says this part of the situation is happening, oddly, because of the loss of the high pitches.  Not hearing them actually makes me more sensitive to them...and trust me, at times the pain is physical, like tiny knives stabbing my inner ear.

At the end of the appointment the doctor was still an asshole but a knowledgeable one who is taking an aggressive yet conservative approach.  I do appreciate his candor; I don't like his impatience and brusque manner.  I'll give him one year...if I can get used to his style and if he can help me even a little, I'll stay with him.  Otherwise it will be on to the next specialist.

In the meantime, we search for relaxation thru music and the beauty of this time of year in New England.

I'll be spending time in that space today.  Finally finished the deck restoration (as you can see, it's a 2-level monster!).  And the deck furniture in the foreground was delivered a mere 45 minutes ago.  The aforementioned fountain still burbles right outside those sliding glass doors.  It beckons me to take my delicious second cup of coffee and go outside.

I plan to heed the fountain.

The Weekly Muse

What we have here in a conflagration of final allergy messiness.

Laryngitis accompanied by a sore throat plus exhaustion.  It's an unwelcome combo to say the least.

Cuz I'm lucky like this.  It's become an annual thing - this laryngitis business.  And so far as I'm concerned it has definitely outstayed it's welcome.

Again.

Ah - this too shall pass.  And I did aggravate it yesterday but all in a good cause.  For it was the annual department picnic.  Organized by myself and some dedicated co-workers, this was our 6th year at the gloriously beautiful Wickham Park.  Reserving their largest pavilion gives us access to two very large charcoal braziers, some dozen picnic tables, several large serving tables and the all-important - bathrooms.

Many people contribute to the success of this event.  Our senior leaders buy all the meats, breads, beverages and paper goods.  The employees volunteer to bring potluck items to round out the picnic smorgasbord.  Everything from ethnic foods from India and China to traditional American fare like macaroni salad.  Chips. Dips. Guacamole. Cookies. Brownies.

Oh my!

And there is a picnic soundtrack contributed by yours truly.  From the above (which I can't stop listening to - it's playing as I type this...again) to the below.

A long-standing personal favorite; I'd have to say that Boston is one of my all-time favorite groups - ever.  It's a great mix of music from all over the spectrum.

All thru the day - I am on duty along with the core planning team.  Seeing to the set-up, clean-up and everything in between.  Laying out food, making sure there is enough of everything available, refreshing beverages in coolers, monitoring the cooks for burgers & dogs served hot & fresh.

It's a great day - everyone relaxes, there are plenty of games to amuse those who need it and ample conversation that you don't normally get during the busy workday.

Which is why my voice is nearly non-existent today.  I had the chance to talk to friends at work in a way that isn't the norm in the office.  Casual conversation, not centered on work or the demands of those around us.  Refreshingly we learn that we are all just human beings with lives outside of the cubicle farm...rich lives, filled with family & friends and pursuits beyond protecting the bottom lie of the fortune 100.

And in the 6 years we've done this picnic - the weather has always been glorious.  There were a couple of years - like yesterday - that were a little warmer than we'd like but...no rain.  Very little humidity, light breezes blowing thru the woods around the Pavilion.

It's a great day. And an exhausting one for me.  So I left the party a tad early, drove home in the quiet and stayed that way once indoors.  Went to bed early and was plagued by odd dreams.

I might need a nap today.  And more silence.

It's all good though.  Great way to kick off the summer months for 70 hard-working people. 

Weekly Muse

Time.

It's an ephemeral concept; fleeting yet slow all in the same breath.

There are days when you feel as if you've counted every minute on the clock. I find those days usually happen...at work.

***le sigh***

Then there are the days that go so fast it's as if they finished before they even started.

This past Friday was such a day.  For we went to a wedding Friday evening - an event so romantic that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about the experience.

The bride - a very dear and close friend from work - spent the past 13 months planning the wedding she had been dreaming of since she was 7 years old (she's now 31).  I'm fairly certain that the time of those months, to her, definitely felt like they finished before they started.

She worked so hard on this wedding to create the perfect memories for her, her new husband and her family & friends.

She exceeded even her own, wildest expectations.

From the ceremony to the cocktail hour to the meal to the music - and every possible detail in between, this really was a wedding to be put in the spotlight.

The bride, never a conformist - walked down the aisle on her beloved father's arm to this song.  Knowing the story of the bridge & groom, this song is the epitome of their meeting, their courtship and their wedding.

And, I suspect, their entire marriage will play out this way every single day.  Because the love they hold in their hearts for each other eclipses everything around them - but at the same time welcomes you into that precious inner circle of beauty and truth.

And as they wing their way to their romantic (of course) honeymoon in a tropical paradise, my heart fills with gratitude that this beautiful young woman - inside and out - is my friend.

No - that's not quite enough.

She is a friend - we laugh, share stories, tell each other deep dark secrets.  And yet she is more - like a  daughter I think - she holds a special place in my heart.  One that has never been filled before.

Like a friend - when she got engaged I was giddy with happiness for her.  But like a daughter - I was so pleased that she found a man who would cherish her and treat her like the princess she deserves to be in his life.

Like a friend - I ooh'd and aah'd over the wedding plans as she revealed them to me.  But like a daughter - she made me so proud of her attitude about marriage, about her maturity and commitment to her childhood dreams to make this wedding the fairytale of her dreams.

Like a friend - I grinned from ear-to-ear to see her walk down the aisle.  But like a daughter - she made me burst with joy at her happiness.

Her wedding was a fairytale and she was the princess of every little girls' dreams.  The force of her personality brought it all about - and it will ensure that her life with her new husband will be filled with the richness of their love, respect and adoration for each other.

And me?  I get to be caught up in their magic.  And just thinking about that makes me cry again - in joyousness for their new life together.

And...as time goes by my only wish for this wonderfully special young woman is that her marriage is half as happy as mine is.

Because that is the true gift I could give her - the example of my own marriage to my beloved Oracle; the happiness we share, the compromises we make and the joining of two people into one life together.

Because 30 years from now, my beautiful friend will still be married to the man of her dreams and she will look back in wonder at how time...

...flies.

And it can be so much fun.