Of Frustration & Anxiety

I know - I said this would be a politics-free zone. And it will be. Yet I must get off my chest something related to politics but more central to friendships & relationships. 

Specifically - why do people feel that political conversations these days must be part of the overall relationship. It can be a dicey proposition to discuss the political landscape when two people don't agree, especially in our current cycle of political players.

Case in point:

I am a conservative when it comes to politics. I have some liberal-leanings which, if I must declare a party, would make me a Libertarian.

I live in New England - and in this capacity it is known mostly for it's anti-conservative stance. Which can make a conservative feel a little lonely, left out...wide open for potshots.

And such is the way of things these days. In fact, just after the 2016 election my closest friend of nearly 25 years ghosted me. Just ceased speaking with me, wouldn't answer calls, texts or any other means of communication. Even face-to-face wasn't tolerated by her; she'd walk away from me. It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize what was going on. She is a classic New England liberal - and I am not. Now this was no secret to her; we'd been very close for 2 decades and my politics were the same in that entire time. But after Trump became POTUS - the gloves were off, the insults were hurled, accusations were made and a long-standing friendship came to an abrupt end.

Sad really. Such a tragic and useless end to an otherwise remarkable relationship. Or at least it was remarkable to me.

Anyway in the 3 years since that awful experience I have maintained a "no political conversations policy" with any of my friends who aren't on the same side. If we agree we can have meaty discussions; if we don't it will only devolve into unpleasantness. It's been a pretty good policy, for me. We know that underneath the surface we disagree about politics but seriously - why bother about it?

For one thing - politics is boring, if you know what I mean. There is so much more richness to be found in conversation without delving into that particular cesspit. Never more so than these days. And because of that any political discussions are fraught with frustration and anxiety.

Which leads me to the reason for this one-time political post: yet another friend has forced their way into my political arena in a most unpleasant fashion. To wit:

• "I can't believe a friend of mine is a Trump supporter."
• "Trump supporters are unwell."
• "I just don't understand how you can support him."

All of this despite my numerous and increasingly hostile requests to stop trying to draw me into this particular corner wherein there will be no winners. Showing an utter and total lack of respect for me this individual just kept pushing and pushing and pushing some more.

All the while telling me how important I am to them, how much they care about me, love me, etc...yet continue to insult and attack me.

Really.

Really?!

Really!!!

W.T.F.

As you saw coming a mile away - this individual has left me no choice but to cut them off from my life. They claim I am ghosting them; au contraire my little bleeding heart. I was quite specific about what would happen if you persisted.

Funny - they claim to represent the party of "tolerance" yet all I see is intolerance masquerading as righteous indignation. For a group of people who stand on their moral high ground as compassionate members of society, their hypocrisy - when on full display - really is a technicolor wonder of hubris and judgement. 

YMMV of course. 

Of Spontaneity

I am a planner.  In my work & home life I need to see things planned out in-full.  If a wrench is thrown into the mix I can roll with that.  Yet I still like to see things laid out neat and tidy.

(Full confession - I still use a paper planner.  Either @erincondren or @plumpaper.  High quality, spiral-bound planners with lots of goodies to add into the month.  I am a #planneraddict.)

Anyway...so I'm a planner.  The Oracle recently suggested that I have lost my sense of - spontaneity.  He's not wrong.  Many things in the past few years have driven me to need to have every moment of our lives planned to the max.  

Sean Scully Scuplture
at the Wadsworth Atheneum

Most of my life - childhood thru my late 40s in fact - was filled with chaos of some kind.  Emotional, physical chaos.  It swirled around me like a whirlpool; spinning me out, letting me think I could escape and then spinning me back in.  My earliest memories are of chaos & fear.  In fact it was so early in my life that it was my "normal".  I was unaware of it day-to-day, for decades.  And then one day just a few years ago the scales fell from my eyes and I saw the chaos for what it was - abuse.  

And thus began a still-ongoing recovery process that has included my awareness of why I need to plan.  Planning makes me feel like I'm in control, that the chaos is contained.  Knowing every detail of what is coming up makes me feel safe.  Even my professional life as an Executive Assistant is all about...planning.  Seeing a conference or meeting come together and flow perfectly because of my attention to detail and planning acumen are some of the most satisfying moments of my work life.  

And The Oracle is right - it has overtaken our personal lives as well.  If it's not in the house-planner it doesn't happen.

So I took his comment to heart and have spent time & energy trying to figure out how to get out of the planning-rut I have found myself in.  The rut that governs our private lives and sucks the joy out of just - running off and doing something different.

The Oracle - may regret this.  Because I just did something so out of character for me that I'm hugging myself inside with absolute glee.

It's a simple thing to most people.  To me it's a visible sign that I may finally be able to let go of the chaos I've been running from since I was 5 years old.

Four days.  First class flight.  To a BIG city in the U.S. We've never been there.  Jazz.  Museums.  Food.  Hipster hotel.  Just about a month from now.  To do this - which may seem like nothing at all to most people - is so huge for me.  

Of course at it's heart this trip is - a plan.  And me being me, I couldn't help myself so have made notes about some things we saw in the Big City that we may want to do.  But we don't have to do them; we will take it as it comes, try new things for 4 days, and just let the days unfold.

I really am quite giddy.  This is a new beginning for me.  One that has been a long time in coming.  The Oracle is so patient with me and so pleased.  And that alone makes me very happy.

Of Words, Words, Words

Among the many things I am intrigued by is poetry, specifically the art of the Haiku. As defined by the Poetry Foundation, Haiku is:

A Japanese verse form most often composed, in English versions, of three un-rhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. A haiku often features an image, or a pair of images, meant to depict the essence of a specific moment in time.

Sounds simple, yes?

In fact it is far from it. Haiku writing involves multiple senses to interpret a thought or feeling using the verse form prescribed. You must live in the moment and look inside the moment from outside of it. Be in 2 places at once while you are trying to just...be.

And yet when inspiration strikes it is just lovely to write the words that pour forth like water flowing over rocks in a small stream.

Hmmm - those last 5 words sound like the start of a nice Haiku. 😄

I am no expert in this sacred form of poetry. Yet it is that very sacredness that draws me to it and brings the words out of the depths of me.

Of New Beginnings

How does one - begin again? Do you just jump in with both feet, fresh in the moment? Do you attempt to provide some kind of recap?

Does anyone care either way?

So...I shall just begin where I am right now. And let the rest fall away.

Fall...interesting choice of word. Because Fall - with the capital F - is my most favorite time of the year. Especially living in New England. I am fairly confident that the best Autumn on the planet takes place in this tiny corner of my beloved country.

For 56 years now I have anticipated Autumn as soon as it is over; no other time of year captures my heart and imagination quite like the change from Summer to Fall. During the dreaded Summer I can usually be found with my head down in an air conditioned space; just waiting for the moment when that crisp breeze moves in signaling that the seasonal change is upon us once again.

That breeze with its sharp edge. Not a hint but rather a full shove into your entire body. When the air clears and you can take a deep breath and feel only the air in your lungs. That great gift of life.

And while many may see Autumn as the time of year when things die...I see it as the time of year when rebirth begins to take shape. The leaves falling represent the trees getting ready to burst forth once again in vibrant, joyous life.

The fact that the cold and dark days of winter are just around the corner - is just a tiny, insignificant detail.