Learning

Well...hello there.  Long time no talk.

Long time...no anything.  As mentioned in previous posts, life certainly was more than challenging in 2015.  As the year comes to a close I have to be honest and say...

...good riddance!

I will be so very glad to see time move into 2016 that I might actually stay awake for it.  I can't remember the last time I was awake for the change in year - it just hasn't mattered that much.  One year moving into the next is just the passage of time; nothing particularly special about it. But the coming change...may be something I not only need to see but may take a picture of.  Whatever catches my eye at that precise moment - could be a throwaway, could be profound.  Either way - the artist within me will capture it in some way that resonates with me.

I'm not one to make resolutions but the coming new year may also be an exception in that regard. I've spent so long in a dark cave of depression that I have neglected my physical health.  I'm seriously overweight, I'm ducking doctor appointments and in general ignoring myself to the point of danger.

So the first thing on the personal schedule in the new year - beyond getting back into the swing of working after a 2 week break - will be to make a series of appointments so I can get back on top of my health.  Which should, in the long run, help with the depression, with general energy levels and desires to be productive.

And yes - we have been away from work for 2 weeks now. Part of it planned and part of it not.  I got my every-few-years-at-the-holidays bout of bronchitis.  Diagnosed 4 days before Christmas in fact; it came on fast and as part of this "New Life Resolution" thing I've got going on - I got to the doctor as fast as I felt the symptoms rising.

Drugs - are a good thing.  By the day after Christmas I was starting to feel like myself again.

Of course that's quite the loaded thought these days - feeling like myself.  I'm still not sure what that is exactly but I do know - unequivocally - that it has GOT to be better than the "myself" I've been feeling for years.

I lost my way a bit on the idea of allowing the artist within me to come out.  Too many upheavals in the past year have been allowed to get in the way of any hope on my part of immersing myself in the sacred sounds of the piano, the spirituality of needlework, the God-given gifts of my photography.

The storminess outside of me became the tornado within me; consuming everything in its path without regard for health, well-being, mental stability or even basic happiness.

I have willed that storm to subside...and am focused on that artist within again. To the point where I am working hard on the piece above - one of Beethoven's most beautiful piano sonatas - the 2nd movement of The Pathetique.

This is significant my friends - incredibly significant in my life.  Because this piece of music was once the playground of another pianist in my family - people I don't speak to or of anymore for so many reasons that have been the major part of that aforementioned storminess.

The Pathetique was this particular family member's favorite piece of music.  And whenever one of my music books would fall open to the notes of it - I'd run away in fear and anguish.  As if the very notes held my life's torment within them.

My friends - they don't. They hold nothing within them except whatever Beethoven put there and whatever I bring out of them for myself.

For. Myself.

It took such emotional strength to let my fingers even rest on the piano keys with this music open before me; such physical strength to tease the notes out of my very soul - to let that glorious music speak to me in my own language.

Not the language of pain or abuse; rather the language of a person slowly recovering.  A person learning who she is again.

Learning what it's like to feel like myself.

The Weekly Muse

The muse is quiet today.  It was a bruising week and I'm in need of some peace and rest.

I shall get both in abundance - at least for today.  The Oracle is off to his weekend shooting league - tactical, self-defense shooting.  He hasn't been in so long that mice had taken up residence in his gear bag! Poor man...he was out of the house by 8:00am with a spring in his step I haven't seen in awhile.

It's always a good day to go shooting...

For me it's about household chores.  I know, you'd think that with the need for peace and rest that would be the last thing I would need or want to do. Except that on quiet Saturdays when The Oracle is off doing something that he truly loves - I enjoy picking up, puttering around and getting caught up on things.  The birds sing outside my windows, the fountain in our outdoor living room burbles its way into the house.  And there is, of course, a soundtrack to my day.

The great Sara Bareilles. She gets heavy play from me...her lyrics, her voice, her style - when it all comes together in one person it's simply sublime.

Music is the blood that pumps thru my veins. Whether I listen to someone else or play someone's creations on my piano or sing to the Lord at church...music fills my soul with renewal, letting me know that all things are possible.  I can find healing in lyrics such as the song above, I can find solace in the strains of a perfect Mozart confection and I can release some pent-up aggression with the likes of Billy Joel.

And so it has, as I said, been a very difficult week. Chiefly because I've been dealing with a health issue that looms large and threatening.

I am losing the hearing in my left ear.  In 10 months I've gone from nearly perfect hearing in that ear to a significant diminishment of the upper pitches of sound.  It's noticeable enough that my regular Ear, Nose and Throat doctor has referred me to a hearing specialist in his practice.

I had that appointment this past week.  The doctor - ridiculously well-educated with both an M.D. and a Ph.D. - achieved at the same time.  Well-published he's done some pioneering surgeries and treatment for ear disorders.

He's also a total asshole.  I mean a serious dick.  Assumes he knows what you are going to say and interrupts you.  Took me 10 minutes to get out my story.  Diminished hearing, everything sounding muffled on the left, physical pain with certain sound and sound sensitivity.

Once I got that out...he began to listen more closely to me.  In the end, I believe he understands that a 52 year old person with demonstrable hearing loss isn't hysterical or looking for a quick fix.

The fact is - the hearing loss I have now is permanent and unexplained. I had an MRI to rule out the only thing that could be a problem - an auditory nerve tumor.

Thanks be to God.

Which still leaves us with the unknown reason for this loss.  So it's on to hearing tests every 3 months with consults at the same time.  Until the doctor gets enough data to tell him more about what's going on.  There aren't many options because no matter what the underlying cause, I'm losing my hearing on the left.

Hearing aids will definitely be in my future.  The doctor did say that's about the 3rd or 4th option and I'm hoping it's far in the future.

To say I'm scared - is an understatement.  I'm trying to hold it together and not think too far ahead of the next hearing test.  And yet...

...the things that truly feed my soul are aural.  Music in all it's already-mentioned forms.  My beloved birds.  My Mozart.  

My music.

To lose even a part of that........................................

My mind can't go there.

And so I push on, dealing with the sound sensitivity in any way I can (which usually means blocking my left ear with my index finger).  The doctor says this part of the situation is happening, oddly, because of the loss of the high pitches.  Not hearing them actually makes me more sensitive to them...and trust me, at times the pain is physical, like tiny knives stabbing my inner ear.

At the end of the appointment the doctor was still an asshole but a knowledgeable one who is taking an aggressive yet conservative approach.  I do appreciate his candor; I don't like his impatience and brusque manner.  I'll give him one year...if I can get used to his style and if he can help me even a little, I'll stay with him.  Otherwise it will be on to the next specialist.

In the meantime, we search for relaxation thru music and the beauty of this time of year in New England.

I'll be spending time in that space today.  Finally finished the deck restoration (as you can see, it's a 2-level monster!).  And the deck furniture in the foreground was delivered a mere 45 minutes ago.  The aforementioned fountain still burbles right outside those sliding glass doors.  It beckons me to take my delicious second cup of coffee and go outside.

I plan to heed the fountain.

The Weekly Muse

Happy Weekend!  When I had my old blog I had a "weekly post" that was driven by the music I was listening to during the week.  It became some of my favorite writing moments; as a musician I feel music deep into the marrow of my bones.  Relating that to something going on in my life - was a great way for me to dig deep in my writing.  And so - I am happy to start up The Weekly Muse!

As you know from my previous post, we have been away for several days at a mountain retreat of sorts.  Musicians are never without music playing in the background.  From cooking to reading to cleaning...we always have music of some kind that suits the mood or activity.

These past few days have been so peaceful, so restorative that classical music has been the background of our days and evenings.  We did start with some mellow jazz but swiftly went for Mozart, Bach, Beethoven and Locatelli.  Something about these notes as you look out at the mountains - musical words floating and gliding over the landscape.

The soundtrack of our lives is as varied as the notes in a single song.  There is no "one genre" that we listen to exclusively.  In fact sometimes we jump around genres so often on long-distance drives that we end up laughing for miles and miles because we can't seem to settle on just one thing.

Musical ADHD.

The Oracle is also a musician.  Among the many instruments he plays - the saxophone is his ballywick. He sits back in the pocket of his prodigious talent and just - gently teases out accompaniments to some of his favorites sax players - such as David "Fathead" Newman.

While The Oracle's musical gifts are innate and natural, mine are not quite as easy.  As a pianist I must have the music in front of me - I can't "play along" as The Oracle does.  I need sheet music and hours of study & practice.  With it I can achieve things that sound like this:

No! That is NOT me playing...but after months of practice, it's pretty darn close to what I sound like. A few more weeks and it will sound like this.

Music - is our life in so many ways.  The enjoyment of it, the discovery of new artists, new genres, new ways of listening to old standards.  We remain always open to the experience.

And with this - you know why I always loved my Weekly Muse posts.