Of Spontaneity

I am a planner.  In my work & home life I need to see things planned out in-full.  If a wrench is thrown into the mix I can roll with that.  Yet I still like to see things laid out neat and tidy.

(Full confession - I still use a paper planner.  Either @erincondren or @plumpaper.  High quality, spiral-bound planners with lots of goodies to add into the month.  I am a #planneraddict.)

Anyway...so I'm a planner.  The Oracle recently suggested that I have lost my sense of - spontaneity.  He's not wrong.  Many things in the past few years have driven me to need to have every moment of our lives planned to the max.  

Sean Scully Scuplture
at the Wadsworth Atheneum

Most of my life - childhood thru my late 40s in fact - was filled with chaos of some kind.  Emotional, physical chaos.  It swirled around me like a whirlpool; spinning me out, letting me think I could escape and then spinning me back in.  My earliest memories are of chaos & fear.  In fact it was so early in my life that it was my "normal".  I was unaware of it day-to-day, for decades.  And then one day just a few years ago the scales fell from my eyes and I saw the chaos for what it was - abuse.  

And thus began a still-ongoing recovery process that has included my awareness of why I need to plan.  Planning makes me feel like I'm in control, that the chaos is contained.  Knowing every detail of what is coming up makes me feel safe.  Even my professional life as an Executive Assistant is all about...planning.  Seeing a conference or meeting come together and flow perfectly because of my attention to detail and planning acumen are some of the most satisfying moments of my work life.  

And The Oracle is right - it has overtaken our personal lives as well.  If it's not in the house-planner it doesn't happen.

So I took his comment to heart and have spent time & energy trying to figure out how to get out of the planning-rut I have found myself in.  The rut that governs our private lives and sucks the joy out of just - running off and doing something different.

The Oracle - may regret this.  Because I just did something so out of character for me that I'm hugging myself inside with absolute glee.

It's a simple thing to most people.  To me it's a visible sign that I may finally be able to let go of the chaos I've been running from since I was 5 years old.

Four days.  First class flight.  To a BIG city in the U.S. We've never been there.  Jazz.  Museums.  Food.  Hipster hotel.  Just about a month from now.  To do this - which may seem like nothing at all to most people - is so huge for me.  

Of course at it's heart this trip is - a plan.  And me being me, I couldn't help myself so have made notes about some things we saw in the Big City that we may want to do.  But we don't have to do them; we will take it as it comes, try new things for 4 days, and just let the days unfold.

I really am quite giddy.  This is a new beginning for me.  One that has been a long time in coming.  The Oracle is so patient with me and so pleased.  And that alone makes me very happy.